I wrote my first post on why I started this blog but I think I should expound on it more. The past year has been an interesting one in that I have never been so uncertain about my place in the world. I’ve always thought of myself as a self-possessed, self-assured, self-aware individual, and I’ve always felt purposeful even if I wasn’t sure what my purpose was. Until this year. 2013 has been a year of transition for me. I began grad school in the Spring as away to ameliorate the dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment I felt in my career, only to take a step back and reevaluate whether this is the Masters program or industry I should be in at all. I began networking to open up career opportunities and met some really interesting individuals. People who made me think about what I really wanted to do and whether I was on the right path toward it. It also made me realize that the current path I was on was the safe path — the path you choose because it’s smart and reliable and stable. But, was it the path that would lead to optimal happiness for me? No. Not at all. Not in a million years. That’s not to say the safe path doesn’t lead to happiness for others. I envy those people. I envy those people who can look at their job as just a job, just a means to an end, and are able to walk away from it all at 5pm and go home and enjoy their lives.
And so, I realized that I wanted for myself wasn’t going to just happen. The cosmos wasn’t going to align for me. There would be no fateful meeting with a guardian angel. Nor would something fall from the sky into my lap. I would have to steer myself off of the safe path to find the right one. And when I made that decision, everything crystallized. The moment I made the conscious decision to do something, it was as if the answer had always been in front of me. The answer to my dissatisfaction, my lack of fulfillment, my frustration, and my depression. It always had been there. Hadn’t this idea been in my head for over 5 years? Hadn’t it been festering in my brain and eating away at me? In a way, it was my fourth grade teacher who decided it for me. She would assign a list of vocabulary every week which we would use to write a story. Every week, without fail, I wrote a horror or fantasy story that she would read out loud to the class. At the end of the year, she gave me a book as a parting gift, and inside the book was a note “I wouldn’t be surprised to see your name on the cover of a book in the future. You have a gift.”
I was always too shy to say it out loud. I felt that I’d jinx myself. Or worse, people wouldn’t take me seriously. How many young brown female fantasy writers do you see? It is not the safe path. It is definitely not the traditional path. But fuck that. I’m doing this for myself. I’m doing it for the love and lust of the thing. I’m doing it because I don’t believe in regrets. And because the idea for this story, this book, has never made me feel more purposeful. What happens after happens. Come what may.
So, I’m using this blog to post excerpts from the book as I go along to get your feedback and general impressions. I’ve already written about 30 pages of a very rough draft. I haven’t written creatively in years, so my instrument needs dusting off and tuning. Please feel free to give me your constructive criticism. I welcome and encourage it and I get super excited every time I hear a WordPress notification on my phone. I will also be posting about news items I find interesting or just life things. You all will definitely meet my cats in the near future.
I haven’t quite figured out all the logistics of WordPress but I’m working on it. My lovely friend Dhruv designed The Cold Shoulder Cat header for me in about 5 minutes. Check out his awesome eyewear company www.dharmaco.com. His company donates proceeds from every pair of glasses to the foundation Optometry Giving Sight. The picture in my background is a picture I took at the NY Botanical Garden’s Monet exhibit last year. I also Instagram filtered the hell out of the photo but it’s one of my favorites.
That’s the jist of it. Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors you may have noticed. I’m writing this at work when I should be doing work related things. Or my paper due at 6pm tonight. I hope you enjoyed this little rant. Here is a picture of my two favorite things: