I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I don’t because I know I won’t keep them and they’ll just make me feel like an even bigger failure than I already do. And really, last thing I need is to further wallow in my self-pity. Instead, I’ve decided to make a promise to myself to endeavor to make this year better than the last. Now, that’s probably not so hard because last year was a shitter. Seriously. Broken relationships, disillusionment, unfulfilled potential, suffocating stagnation, and general fuckery. However, I’ve decided to make it a little more exciting by also promising to honor the person I’ve evolved into in the past year and moving towards fully realizing her. And yes, that’s different from a resolution so shut up.
I don’t generally pay attention to my horoscope, the vague pronouncements make me laugh/weep for those who put stock in these things and the accurate ones make me bizarrely paranoid. But I decided to indulge myself and checked out predictions for 2014: “You’ve come a long way, Scorpio. Feel like you’ve been coming into a new identity for the past three years?” WHAT? HOW DID YOU KNOW? Have you been reading my blog? Can you, please? That perfectly sums up 2013. In spite of, or more likely because of, the stress that made me grind my teeth in my sleep, the feelings of discontent, and the debilitating inadequacy which fueled my quarter life crisis, I evolved. I’ve always been pretty self-aware, confident in my convictions, satisfied with my personality, and yet, this was accompanied by the looming shadow of fear. But 2013, that unforgiving bitch, caused me to shed layers of insecurity and self-doubt, yell a resounding “FUCK YOU” to my regrets and the attendant shame, and start writing again. Though, I wouldn’t say I came into a new identity. 2013 was a catalyst for me to start evolving into the person I know I should be.
The person other people know I can be. I never really considered my self strong-willed but my bifflefaceladyfrandlifepartner made me the painting pictured. The word “sabr” is written in Urdu, and a message from her reads, “May you never lose your patience, nor your ability to endure the greatest hardships, and may you always persevere through everything.” The underlined words are meanings of the word “sabr.” And truly, the past 25 years have been an exercise in patience, endurance, and perseverance; a grand scheme in which the universe has conspired to prepare me for this evolution (Yes, that’s a reference to The Alchemist). Had it not been for the toil and turmoil, I would have never had the courage to create this blog, or start writing “The Otherworlders,” (Are you still reading this? Stop, you fool! Click on the link and check out the excerpts, now! That’s much more important. Come back to this later.) or begin to live the life that always seemed like a pipe dream.
But here I am, 26 years old, on the precipice of something good. Maybe even great. So, 2014, let’s be friends. Let’s be best friends. Because you don’t want me as your enemy.